Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Infertile days

As an infertile mom, mostly I feel like an ordinary mom. My life is too busy and full with Eggbert, Mystery, work, and, well, life, to think too much about my own infertility. But there are days when it all does come crashing back.

Today was one of those days. I was already having a frustrating day, because I have somehow managed to injure both of my knees, making me hobble around in a piteous manner, and forcing me to work from home (since work is at the other end of a big steep hill that I just can't navigate in my current condition), and then my computer decided that it was time that I be taught a lesson, so I spent the whole day trying (unsuccessfully) to accomplish one fairly simple task. Then my period arrived.

It shouldn't have been a big deal. Eggbert is only 15 months old. My arms and heart are full. But it was a big deal. I admit it, I cried.

Before my next period arrives, I will turn 40. In just a few months after that, we will leave Korea, the land of cheap IVF, forever. Clearly, if I am serious about wanting another child, then it's time to start gearing up for an IVF cycle ASAP.

I don't want to do IVF. I don't want the needles, the expense, the mood swings, the risk of crushing failure. I don't want any of it.

But I do want another child. Just one more.

Once again, I am angry to be in this situation. I know that I'm one of the lucky ones. And when I look at Eggbert, I do feel incredibly fortunate, but it still does kind of grate on me that 85% of couples can just plan their family and have their kids, without ever having to face these kinds of days.


Rachel Inbar said...

I totally understand what you mean (and we must be very close in age too - I'm turning 40 in May). I hope you get to make your dreams come true!

WaterBishop said...

I am sorry. I'm sorry you have been robbed of the traditional and far more pleasant way to build a family. You have every right to be upset over that. (hug)

Sarah said...

it is so totally unfair. but i will tell you it was a million times easier this time around with the full-time distractions of motherhood. course that's easy to say after a bfp. best of luck to you sara!!

Anonymous said...

I so understand!
We're not even planing on having another child and I still get a pang when I hear of an easily-gotten BFP. I think the ripples of pain that infertility causes are very far-reaching.
I wish you what you wish for.

Marie-Baguette said...

I am with you. I though going through IVF again would be easier now that I have Max, but it revives all the ghosts of past failed cycles. It is like you have to grieve all over again. I find it so hard I am craving direct with real IVF "survivors", as Internet is not enough this time around. Like you, I decided to do it again because it is cheap for me now (good insurance) and I am getting older (turning 38 next summer), but it is very very hard. I wish you all the best as always.

Thalia said...

Yes, been there. It feels so ridiculous, but it is what you are feeling. I never wanted to have an only child, and while we were trying before I got pregnant, that failure every month just took me right back to the days before I had Pob. Not as bad, but still very sad.

I know IVF is difficult, but it's not that bad and you know it can work - worth a try?

Lut C. said...

Sometimes it's just too much.
And I recognize those feelings.

Isabel said...

Your situation touches my heart and I hope you forge a path that meets your family goals.

Kami said...

I am right there with you.