Friday, May 15, 2009

New beginnings

Well, it's official. The beta was negative. I told the doctor that I wasn't pregnant before the beta, and once I described the bleeding to my doctor, she started shaking her head and said "I don't think you're pregnant either." Sometimes I hate being right.

My doctor knows that I'm leaving Korea next month, but I asked her whether based on my response this time she thought it would be worth it for me to try again in the USA, and she didn't even hesitate before saying "yes, definitely." She said that while my age is "not good," (you've got to love the directness, I am very fond of my doctor) my response and embryo quality were quite good for someone of my age, and that she definitely thinks there's a good chance of success if we persist.

That is food for thought, but realistically, we can't even think about cycling again for several months. The town that we're moving to is two hours driving from the nearest RE (who, weirdly enough, is also my old pre-Korea RE--he moved too). So, it would be hard to visit the RE without taking at least 1/2 day off, and of course IVF involves many many visits. Given that I'm starting a new job, and really can't be systematically shirking my duties like that in the first few months, I can't even imagine how I could cycle again before the December holidays (I will have two weeks or so off then.) Meanwhile, my ovaries will just be getting older and older.

Sigh. I'm not at all sure that we'll do it. We'll really have to think about our priorities carefully. We already are lucky enough to have an amazing Eggbert, and it might make sense to spend our time, energy, and money on the wonderful child and life that we have, rather than focusing on the child that we don't have.

Mystery is much less sad than I am. He is mainly sad because I'm sad, not so much because of the failed cycle. He is quite content with one child, although he agrees that it would be nice for her to have a sibling. Given that I'm the one that is old, and therefore the reason that we're under such time pressure, it is comforting for me to know that while my body may have failed me, it hasn't failed him. I just wish that I could convince myself that it hasn't failed Eggbert too.

Now would be a very good time to share the reasons that you enjoyed being an only child, or wished that you were an only child, or have decided to have only a single child, or really anything else positive that you might have to say about only children.


Anonymous said...

First off: BIG hug to you, Sara. I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work out. And while it may not be as devastating as before Eggbert, you have every right to be sad. I'm sad with you.
We chose to have only one child. People ask us why, and although there are many reasons, the only real one is "because we want to". Other answers could be: because it took us almost 4 years to get just one, because we are 39 and 46 respectively, because we live an 8-hours' drive away from the RE clinic, because I couldn't go through the pain of TTC again, and so on.
We are aware that our daughter will not have a sibling, and therefore we are doing what we can to offset that: she attends a big daycare center where she has lots of contact with babies and kids of all ages, I am in touch with neighbourhood moms with babies her age who will be good playdates, and we make sure she gets lots of quality time with us too. We will also try to make sure that her life is not totally adult-centered.
One day she'll ask us why she doesn't have a brother or sister, and we'll have to work out an answer. In the meantime, the advantages (for us) of having an only child are, amongst others: a relatively calm family life, lots of good sleep and therefore energy, plentiful quality time with our daughter, and as a bonus we can continue our sabbaticals every three years and bring her with. She'll get to play with kids from different cultures too.
I'm not saying it's ideal for everyone, but it's what we want for our family.
Rose xx

WaterBishop said...

I am very sorry.

My DH is an only child and he does not think it was a bad thing.
Having siblings does not guarantee good relationships between siblings.
He had three very close friends growing up who were like brothers to him. But they were even better because they all chose to be friends rather than just forced through blood ties.
Also, never underestimate the power of cousins.

I am very sorry it didn't work out.
That is weird that your RE moved to the same area you're moving to.
Maybe its a sign and the jig isn't up yet.

Sarah said...

wow, the RE moving to somewhere even vaguely close to where you're going to be feels awfully like a sign, much as i kick myself for wanting to believe in such things. i just wish you peace coming to whatever decision feels right to you.

Marie-Baguette said...

I am so sorry Sara. I found trying for a second one very hard. All the emotions from infertility came back, intact. It was like grieving all over again. And my 1st cycle did not work, I felt like it was my fault, because why would I want another child when I am lucky enough to already have a miracle baby? Take good care of yourself at this difficult time.
I have lots of friends who do not get on well with their siblings. I used to fight with my bro like cat and dog and we pretty much ignored each other during our teens. His best friend was an only child and they spent all of their time together. I also believe there are more and more "onlies" because raising multiple children is just too expensive here in the US. Of course, people also mention their age, but I get the sense that it is mainly because they can't pay for private school and college (+ larger home) for several kids. So even if you end up with an only child, he will have lots of friends in the same situation!

JENN said...

I am sorry Sara this cycle was a bust.
Interesting your old RE's practice is just 2 1/2 hrs away... I am like Sarah, I think that is sign. Good or not? I don't know.

I know a lot of smart, wonderful only children. Like my best friend. I personally think she is the most talented, generous, and caring person I know. Speaking of smart, I once read a study that only and older are more likely to have an higher IQ than children with older siblings. But you know how studies are...

I think Eggbert will be fine with or without a sibling. You and dh seem to have a lot of energy and if Eggbert doesn't have a sibling, your energy and love will be enough.

Rachel Inbar said...

Sara, I'm so sorry this cycle failed for you. Does Eggbert have any cousins she'll live close enough to that she'll have contact with them?

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Hugs for the bad news.

I am an only child, and loved it. I don't do the sharing thing frightfully well - but who does?!

We're having a go at providing Harry with a sibling, but I don't think I'll be too mortified if it doesn't happen for us. Just the one is more than I thought we'd have at one point, and all that I asked God for, really.

Having said that, your family is more important than your job (and they shouldn't really discrimate against you for taking time off to reproduce - although I know they do), so 30 years down the line, you perhaps wouldn't regret not giving your all to a job, but might regret not giving IVF all you had when the time window was there. Just a thought.

Lut C. said...

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Not only would that have been great news, but it could have spared you the difficult decisions about trying again or not.

I have a sister, but we're not close. Siblings are no guarantee of close-knit relationships.

Kami said...

I'm sorry it didn't work out. You never know what the future may hold. If you stick with one kid . . . I have two friends that were such happy only kids that both grew up intending to have only one kid. One is considering a second, the other never did.

I am counting the benefits of having only one in case our cycles don't work. Top of the list: money and time. A single kid gets more of both.

hugs to you.

Marie-Baguette said...

With the move and the new job, there must be a lot on your mind. I want to wish you all the best for both. Thinking of you. - MB

Gabby said...

SARA! thanks for commenting on my blog - I can't wait to read your story. I'm getting ready to get on the plane, but tonight i will settle in and go through it.

I'm so sorry for your BFN. It sucks when you know already, and the doctor just confirms what you already know. I like being right.. except in those cases. I'd much rather be wrong!

sarah said...

So sorry about the negative beta. This IF deal sucks so bad. I will be thinking of you and hoping that once you get back to the states and get on your feet you might be able to cycle again. lots of hugs coming your way!