Monday, February 19, 2007

Groundhog day

So here we are again. Retrieval is tomorrow. All of the normal characters have arrived. The bloating was late, but my belly is now the approximate size and consistency of a bowling ball. I thought that the nipples of fire might give this cycle a pass, but no, here they are. And more annoyingly yet that vicious tease hope has entered the building. She's laying low, because she knows that if she says too much, I'm likely to bust open a can of whoop-ass, but she's still sitting there, smiling at me, and occasionally whispering in my ear. She's annoying.

I can't say that I'm excited about the retrieval. Last time it wasn't awful, but it DID hurt. Somehow I don't think that seeing the eggs (if there are any) will be as exciting as last time. I certainly don't think it'll make up for the pain again. I guess we'll see, though. I keep trying to remind myself that this is a different cycle, and that it may have a different outcome. Still, since I haven't actually let myself think about the possibility of a positive outcome, my imagination is sort of in a bind here. I can't let myself hope, but without hope, this process really is without redeeming features. What's a girl to do?

7 comments:

MikeAndLiz said...

good luck tomorrow! I have a friend who had her retrieval today... hopefully you both will have good news soon....

Carey said...

Good luck with ER tomorrow!!

Marie-Baguette said...

Sara, I think it is important to believe in a positive outcome. For my IVF #2, I had lost hope and I was going through the motions. You need hope to sustain you through the next 2 weeks. Also, I found that getting positive comments on the embryos quality helped. Not that I asked my doctor to outright lie. But I told him I expected him to say something nice about them (for IVF #2, he said they were of poor quality, and of course, that completely destroyed me). I am not a new age-y chick but somehow I believe it is all a mental game. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. Bonne chance!!!!

Sarah said...

i feel exactly the same way. it's such a weird thing to go through when you're unwilling to get your hopes up, because what kind of sadist would go through all of this if there weren't at least SOME chance for a positive outcome? note how i use euphamisms like "positive outcome," i can't even bring myself to say the words. i think it's okay to be annoyed with hope when she whispers in your ear, it's just how you protect yourself. but it's nice to know she still shows up every now and then.

and i respectfully disagree with marie. i'm sure that a positive outlook does all kind of good for you, but i don't think it makes any difference in the outcome of your cycle. while i know plenty of people swear their positive thinking played a part in their BFP, i've also seen too many people end up pg when they least expected it and were at their lowest. i just think if it's gonna work, it's gonna work, and your mental outlook has no control over it.

the best thing about the IF community is that we can have hope for each other when we have no hope for ourselves, so i'm crossing my fingers for you! hope ER goes easily for you.

Tinker said...

You hit it on the nose. It is a different cycle with the potential of a completely different outcome. That's why hope keeps hanging around. Sure you can keep her at arm's length, but there's no reason to chase her off just yet.

Lut C. said...

Best of luck tomorrow, and the weeks to come!

Hopeful Mother said...

Wow - I can't believe it's ER time already. Really snuck up on me - but probably not you!

Yes, this is a totally different cycle than your last one, and it's OK to be hopeful and pessimistic at the same time. That's all I could do too. A positive outlook won't change the outcome, but it might make you feel better in the process while you're waiting.

Hope your retrieval is not too painful and is over with quickly... and of course, lots of good eggs!