Saturday, December 30, 2006

The four horsemen

About 12 hours after I posted about my ambivalence about testing early, I was reminded once again that when it comes to this fertility business, I am NOT in control.

I had forgotten that I come complete with a handy-dandy design feature(flaw) that serves as a near-foolproof predictor a negative pregnancy test result. Since I was a small child, I have suffered from horrible migraines a few times/month. They have had a powerful effect on my life choices, as they are shockingly painful, can last several days, and until recently were unresponsive to medication, and the main trigger seems to be sleep deprivation. So, I've had to avoid getting myself into situations where I'm likely to be sleep deprived. The migraines were actually the reason that I never seriously considered becoming a doctor (I'm a total biology geek), because I knew I'd never survive the residency. Anyway, a few years ago, my neurologist asked me to start keeping a migraine diary, plotting my headache status against sleeping patterns, consumption of common food triggers, and my menstrual cycle. I swore to her that the headaches had nothing to do with food or my menstrual cycle. As it turns out, I was right about the food (thank goodness! I could never give up chocolate!), but completely wrong about my cycle. I discovered that I get migraines at midcycle, around the time of ovulation, about half of the time, and always get a migraine a few days before my period. I had just never made the connection because of the time-lag between the migraine and the day that I see red. That doctor was really a lifesaver, because she was the one to discover that there IS a medication that stops my headaches in a few hours. Thanks Dr. Friedman!

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday. I woke up around 9 am with my head on fire. Then I stumbled to the bathroom to find that a big pimple had erupted on my nose overnight. A few minutes later, the cramps set in. Recognizing these as three of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, I half expected the "ride of the Valkyries" to start playing in the background as I stumbled over to the kitchen to prepare the (now obviously futile) progesterone-in-oil injection for that morning.

The migraine was unusually ferocious, even for one of mine, and even though the writing was on the wall, I didn't feel like I could take my migraine meds, as they are contraindicated during pregnancy. I spent the whole day in bed, in the fetal position, with a bag of ice on my head, moaning. (I suppose that in the interest of full disclosure, I should also mention that I tore my poor sweet husband's head off when in response to my imperious demand "make my head feel better!", he quite reasonably said "I can't." Obviously he SHOULD have hugged me and kissed me and told me that he'd do anything to be able to make my head feel better, but still, I suspect that my reaction may have been a bit over the top.)

So, this morning, I decided to put myself out of my misery, and did a home pregnancy test. It was no surprise to me that the result was the starkest, whitest, negative that has ever been. It was so white that to be any whiter, it'd have to be transparent.

If it was just the test, I could console myself by saying that maybe it's too early, but the combination of the negative test with intense PMS symptoms seems to be too clear of a sign for even the eternal optimist to overlook. (Oh, and I'm not in any way the eternal optimist).

So, it seems that 2006 has decided to kick me in the ass on its way out the door. Welcome 2007!


Tinker said...

Sara, I'm so sorry to hear about that negative pregnancy test! I'd say 'hang in there' because you're only 11 days past retrieval, but it sounds like your migraine and other symptoms are concurring with the test. What a crummy way to end the year.

Stephanie said...

Oh man! That sucks! Drink a few drinks tomorrow night in spite of it all!

Marie-Baguette said...

I am so very sorry Sara. Take care of yourself.