Whew! That last post was maudlin, wasn't it? Embarrassing really. I guess the combination of crazy hormones, my first Christmas away from my family, worry about my dad, and endless free time to imagine negative outcomes isn't a good combination. Go figure!
A couple of important lessons that I've learned this week: 1) Don't arrange my IVF schedule so I have large blocks of free time during the two week wait. Keeping busy, it seems, is the key to preserving my sanity. 2) I am never alone. Thanks for the sweet supportive comments. They really meant a lot to me.
JJ's comment made me think about the age-old primary vs. secondary infertility debate that routinely appears on infertility boards and websites. Should people who already have one just count their blessings? If not, what about people who already have two? Three? At what point does a couple's (or a person's) desire for an additional child stop being worthy of sympathy? As a long-time primary infertile, it would be easy to say "I'll thank my lucky stars to have just one child, and NEVER complain about secondary infertility" (and I have certainly said this myself on many occasions). However, the reality is that most of us didn't start out dreaming of having just one child, so while the achievement of a successful pregnancy is huge, it doesn't mean that we haven't suffered serious losses along the way, and it doesn't mean that our struggle is over.
On my third date with the mysterious man that I eventually married, we had a long chat about how many kids we would have. I said that I'd like two, and he said that he'd like to have two, and then wait several years, and then have one more. I said "at my age, if we want three, I don't think we'll be able to space them out like that". (Are you admiring what a sexy third date I am--working in the biological clock already! No wonder he couldn't resist my charms.) And he said "well, two would be good also." (Always the diplomat, no wonder I married him.) So, I thought that we had it all figured out. Now we never think or talk past #1.
I realize that in part this is realism, but it's also partly cowardice. The very thought of actually having a child, and then having to start this whole process AGAIN, from square one, but without the starry eyes that shielded me from the ugly realities of infertility for a while, is more than I can bear. I guess that's one of the reasons that so many women going through IVF actually wish for twins. It would mean a harder, scarier pregnancy, and a more difficult early infancy, but the thought of never having to walk into a fertility clinic again is absolutely intoxicating.
Of course, one would be good also.