Saturday, March 17, 2007

Just like you said it would be

As a result of infertility, I have learned many things about myself, and about the human condition. Before infertility, I never knew that I was capable of jealousy so intense that someone else's good news could make the sun stop shining. I also never would have imagined that I could learn to be so patient. (To be clear, you still have to measure my patience in dog years to get a number that fits onto the chart, but compared to the extreme instant gratification girl I used to be, I'm doing pretty well.) I also never could have known that something that I didn't have could make me so sad, that my husband could make me smile on my darkest days, or that I could become so close to people that I've never met. I can't say that I've enjoyed a second of it, but infertility has been nothing but a learning experience. I'm a different person as a result, and I do like to think a better person.

Pregnancy after infertility is a horse of another color. While infertility made me miserable, pregnancy has made me absurdly happy. So happy that it's hard to believe that I could stay this happy. This makes it hard to believe that I could stay pregnant. Ridiculous, I know, but I am finding the wait for my ultrasound on Tuesday very difficult. Every time I have a little cramp, or don't have a little cramp, or don't feel nauseous for a second, or realize that my boobs don't hurt QUITE in the same way that they did yesterday, the fear takes over. 90% of my attention is below my neck at all times. I have recently seen several thoughtful posts about the epic battle between joy and fear that goes on in the heart of the newly pregnant infertile, but somehow I always thought I'd be able to keep it together. Such hubris! I now laugh at my naŃ—ve former self. When I first got that elusive, miraculous positive hpt, I promised myself that once I saw a doubling beta, I'd relax and enjoy the pregnancy. After the doubling beta, I promised myself that I'd calm down after I saw a heartbeat. Now, three days away from possibly seeing that heartbeat (please please please!), I'm starting to realize that this paranoia may be with me for the long haul. Well, no worries. There's plenty of room. Paranoia, I suggest that you make yourself comfortable in the seat in between the neuroses generated by body betrayal and the emotional scars from years of disappointment and bitterness. Just stay away from the bluebird of happiness that sits on my heart if you know what's good for you!

8 comments:

Baby Blues said...

Well said Sara. I'm so happy for you!
I understand those sudden pangs of intense unreasonable feelings of jealousy. But I agree, it's a learning experience. I'm still patiently waiting my turn but I'm truly happy you made it across. Hoping for a very strong heartbeat soon!

Sarah said...

sounds like you're handling it so well and with a great attitude. i can't wait to hear about that little heartbeat on tuesday!

Frederic Guarino said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
twirl said...

I feel a lot like you. It's like I've spent so much time and effort to get here that I have no idea what to do next. I hope you see an amazing little heartbeat next week!

Dianne/Flutter said...

Sara - After you hear the heartbeat, you can know that your odds are FINALLY in your favor. I hope that helps. Enjoy this victory. I can't wait to meet your little one. Praying for you.

Susan said...

Oh, I'm sorry that damned fear is bugging you, too. I thought mine would go away after the heartbeat, but here I am... still battling to stay positive.
Hang in there.

Ladybug Ann said...

The paranoia never goes away! I kept telling myself the different pregnancy milestones and at 21 weeks, I was paranoid about kicks. I was actually delirious with happiness when I got kung fu-ed all the time. Then after she was born, I would leap at every single eeps. I also get paranoid if she is sleeping too quitely, paranoid if she is stirring too much. I am a nervous wreck, lol. But interspersed in all that is happiness, so it all comes as a package. I hope you are going to be able to enjoy it without feeling too paranoid :)

DementedM said...

So far, which is not that far in my case, I think the paranoia gets better. I haven't had hysterics over whether or not the baby is okay for, oh, a few weeks now.

Ultrasounds help. Getting closer and closer to that 12 week mark is really helpful.

And, for me, I suspect once I can feel the kid using my bladder like a trampoline that I'll finally have enough constant reassurance to keep me emotionally stable.

M