The other day, I was looking through my blogroll and realized that the vast majority of "infertility" bloggers that I check on regularly are either pregnant or new mothers. The same is true of most of my dearest friends in the computer (you know who you are).
A few times, I've flirted with the idea of separating my blogroll into categories (in the trenches, on a break, pregnant, graduates, trying for #2, etc.) However, I just can't bring myself to do it. Why? Well, I've given it a lot of thought, and in the end, I think that in many ways infertility colors all of your experiences, regardless of which category you happen to find yourself in today. I don't mean that we can't resolve our infertility and go on to lead happy healthy lives, hopefully free of lasting emotional scars. I hope that for all of us. I have to believe that one day infertility will not be the focus of my life.
Rather, I mean that infertility isn't just a temporary phase that you go through, like teething or thinking that wearning a plastic miniskirt is a good idea (oh cursed youth!) I have been changed permanently by this experience, in ways both bad and good. I now know that the line between "pregnant" and "in the trenches" isn't as solid as one might hope. Having watched so many dear ones go through heartbreaking losses, I simply can't assume that one of my friends in the computer will go on to live happily ever after just because of the results of a blood test (or, more often, about a hundred million hpt's). I also can't assume, or even hope, that they will ever be "normal" pregnant people. While complications of pregnancy seem to be fairly equal-opportunity, the thoughts and feelings of a pregnant and infertile in reaction to these complications will inevitably be different. The stakes just feel so much higher, and the probability of a good outcome so much more tenuous when you've fought so hard just to get to the starting line.
Then when the infertile becomes a mother, so many new issues arise. The former infertile can be particularly hard on herself when she realizes that she's not a perfect mother, just a human being. There are also often lingering body-betrayal issues. ART mommies having multiples face additional issues. It's all very complicated. And then there's the issue of TTC #2, or #3, or #4. Sadly, having won the fertility sweepstakes once doesn't in any way guarantee smooth sailing the next time around.
In the end, though, I like to keep all of my infertile peeps in one place, and close to my heart, because I need you there. You serve as a shining example of how to keep moving forward during good times and bad. I hope that someday we can all move into a new category called "resolved", but until then, I think we should stick together.